Back to Work

for real this time...unlike last. Nothing to get in the way.

Today I feel: tired, nauseous, nervous, scared.

I don't know if I am ready, but the ONLY was to find out is to do it. Will my co-workers think I'm a big baby if I flake out, will they look down on me? I am known for being strong....I can get through anything, people think. In the past 5 years I have has 2 life changing diagnoses, lost both of my parents, my grandmother, Trevor's Uncle, been through a scary surgery for Trevor's father, and infertility. Oh and got married and moved 1000 miles away from our friends and family.

I am just so ready to start having more positives in my life, no more losing people and being sick, more of the happy times like we had when we got married. When we got pregnant finally I was so excited, I had convinced myself that we had been through so much crap already than there was no way we were going to miscarry, I knew the statistics, I'm an L&D nurse, I knew what *could* happen. Then I started spotting, knew it can be normal, but I just knew it was doomed.

Anyways, so now I have to go to work, and face happy women completing their families, who have no clue what I have just been through. I don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I am ready. I am afraid that because people know me as a strong person that my true emotions will be hidden, I will let you all know how it goes, I don't have high hopes.

Flaws in my Plan

Flaw 1) T is in Texas and I'm not, I think I'm going to ovulate in the next few days, Oh well!

Flaw 2) I finally got a hold of the RE's office this am, to book an appointment post miscarriage and discuss our plans and my concerns. Hes going on vacation most of March and isn't booking appointments until April, poop. She said I can come in during Cycle Monitoring hours and talk with him for 5-10 minutes though, so I will do that next week. I hope I don't get rushed through, because there's a lot I want to talk about.

I hope things get organized. I hope I don't end up ovulating until the weekend, and we can actually do this the "normal" way. I hope I don't need to wait until April, because I don't want to!

On a side not yesterday was fat Tuesday...and I am fat! yay for fat Tuesday, on to chubby Wednesday!

Getting through it one day at a time

I don't know what to say, I have sunk into quite a depression.

I had a good long alk with my husband tonight. He's been away on business this past week and isn't due to come home until Friday. It is difficult for me as I am very alone here. Most of my friends and family are far away, very far. I have many friends who are co-workers, and have not made any friends otherwise, pretty difficult to make friends when I work the schedules I do.

Anyway we know we need to make adjustments, I need him here with me unfortunately, not traveling for work like he does so often.

I am wondering now what to do, I mean if hes going to find a different job, why not one closer to home, so we have a support system.

There are some barriers to going home right now though:

1. We still may need fertility treatments, which aren't available back home
2. I require High Risk OB services if I do get and stay pregnant, which aren't available back home
3. We just bought and moved into our house, our beautiful house, we bought it before the economy took a shit, so now it would not benefit us to even try to sell it, if it even would sell.

So I am trying to figure out what I want to do, but I think this will be many conversations between him and I.

On a side note I plan on Calling the RE again tomorrow, maybe I will hear from them this time, or they may actually answer the phone. I think I will call my OB too and just let her know how I have been feeling.

Gosh I wish this were easier!

Today

Today I just don't feel like myself. I am going to copy some posts I wrote on A message board here, to sum up my feelings.

"Hey girls;

I am in a funk, I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like seeing anyone, I don't want to go back to work, I don't want to prepare my meals, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to shower.

I can not figure out why, I mean I am assuming its due to the miscarriage, but I really emotionally have gotten past it. I'm not sleeping well because DH is away for work, but even with im home I don't slep very well, it is just worse when he is away.

A friend from HS is supposed to call me today to get together but I am just not at all up to it.

I just don't feel like doing a single thing, even around the house. Can anyone relate?

I am also feeling very lonely, I live far from all friends and family, so when DH is gone I am basically alone. :'( "

"I think its just being alone, I wish that my friends would be willing or able to come up where I live, its just the drive that I really don't want to do because I feel so out of it, like I can't pay attention, especially for an hour drive.

I made myself go out yesterday to get groceries and a lotto ticket for our big draw tonight, that felt good, and the day before I cleaned the house and did laundry, so that felt good too, but now I just don;t want o do anything so the house is getting messy again. I think I just need my honey home. "

"I can function most days, today is just one of the days I don't feel like doing a thing.

I think its a mix of the loss, the hormones being all funny, and my body trying to get back to ovulating (I think this is coming, my signs are getting more fertile)

I also hate that I can't just call my mom to complain and have her make it better. I miss that deeply.

I don't really understand why this is hitting me so hard, I didn't even feel this terrible when my parents passed, I mean it was sad, I was devastated.

With this loss I feel like my heart was ripped out, maybe because I tried so hard to get this pregnancy, maybe just because I had already bonded with that baby for a month. "

So that's that, I hope it gets better, I think If it doesn't I will have to ask Trevor to come home, I will also call my OB to let her know ow I ave been feeling, I really thought I was emotionally better, well as best it could be, but I guess not.

Well No News

So I got everything done I wanted to. Still Waiting for a call from my RE. I just want to know what our plan is.

I am feeling very frustrated. I remember talking with my cousin-in-law Last April when they had been trying for 14 months at that point. And I expressed how I couldn't imagine trying for so long and how hard infertility must be, and now we are coming up to 14 months of trying in March.

I am frustrated that my wonderful husband has a job that causes him to be away from home, we have talked about how we will make it work during pregnancy and once we have children, but I just don't see it happening. I mean he was scheduled to be away the week I miscarried, but by luck he was delayed a week, so he was here. I just don't see how this traveling thing will work.

I am frustrated that I am not back at work, I want to be, but I am scared. I think it will be fine, I'm just nervous dealing with pregnancies and deliveries.

I hope a pregnancy is coming again soon for us, I can not imagine being babyless for more than another year, but whatever is in store for us I suppose.

I went all serious for this post again! Where is the lightheartedness....Maybe it will come back once I speak with the RE?

Why when I am ready to get going with my life...does this stuff Happen?

So I am gearing up to go back to work and my darn dog has an eye infection, eye drops 6 times a day, grr. So no work for me! I have been feeling awful too, so its for the best.

My plan for my day home tomorrow:

1) Call RE and figure out when he wants to see me again
2) Clean entire house, do Laundry
3)Eye drops for little Gracie
4) Sleep!

Hopefully I get it all done. Is it normal for me to not want to do a single thing? Has anyone else experienced this?

I Love my Job

...I really do, But I have complete fear going back this week after my Miscarriage.

I am a Labour and Delivery Nurse for those who don't know me. I Love my job, best job in the world, but not an easy thing to go back to. I will have been away from my job for over 3 weeks now with the bed rest for 2 weeks and being off for the miscarriage.

I watched delivery videos on you tube, they didn't bother me, I didn't have an insane urge to fly through my computer monitor and strangle the pregnant woman on the other end. I actually cried in happiness for them like I feel at work.

What I am scared for is how I will feel taking care of pregnant women 12 hours a day and listening to their babies hearts beating all of the time. We didn't get the chance to hear ours (just were told it was there) and for that I am sad. We will be insisting on hearing it the next pregnancy, I don't care how early it is.

I go back on Thursday, I am scared, nervous, worried people will think I am crazy if I wimp out while I am there.

So on this note I will provide a few pictures of what I see and do every day on my job, and some of what I think might be going on in my brain when I see/do these things.

Work:

What will be going on in My head:

What I will probably need:

What it is like

For those friends and family who haven't experienced Infertility or pregnancy loss, this is just a tiny bit of what its like.

Infertlity Video

A Friend shared this with me tonight (thanks Katie) This video expresses exactly how I feel going through this process. I hope its help those who haven't been through it understand, and those who have realize you aren't alone! We are here for you!

Infertility Video 2

Who would have thought I would jump up and down at the sight of a Negative HPT

I am giddy, my HPT's are finally negative.

Why is an infertile excited about a negative HPT you ask...seems odd, you would think one who has tried hard to get pregnant and spent quite the amount of money trying to do so, would want it to be positive.

Noooooo.......

for me it means my betas are low, low enough its probably safe to assume that I may ovulate in a couple weeks and could potentially get pregnant again (hopefully for it to last)!

Now I don't hold a ton of hope we can actually get the job done on our own, after we have just miscarried, but its worth a shot right? I'm not sure I remember how its done exactly, I mean being on bed rest for bleeding since 4 weeks, its been since...well you get the idea!

I also wanted to add....this is 3 posts today...maybe I really am a blogger at heart! I think I will fill this in before I send links to friends/family back home, just so it more interesting and they don't get bored.

But you are young.....

though most people think this is a good thing...I do not

for the following reasons:

A) my body does not feel this way...we are on limited time before I may need another surgery fro my Crohn's disease and recovery from that, which could take 6 months to a year or more.

B) it does not make infertility easier to think about how much time I have to try to get pregnant...just makes me sad to think I could take that long to get our take home baby

C) Youth as most of you know has NOT A SINGLE THING to do with fertility....unfortunately, or I would be likely pregnant with my second in a few months!

Unfortunately I have learned people don't know what to say when it comes to pregnancy loss and infertility. Some people think I am going to far getting fertility treatments at only 24. the thing is I needed it to get pregnant, and I am not sure what I need to stay pregnant yet.

I said I would bring in the humour...not sure when that is going to happen!

A Little about me and our Journey so far

So I decided I needed a blog, partly to keep a record of whats happening in my life through infertility and hopefully eventually a pregnancy, and also to help others through their struggles with similar situations.

I am completely aware that what I have been through is relatively little infertility compared to some, but its difficult nonetheless.

My husband and I have been together 6 1/2 years now, married for almost 2 years. We decided not long after we were married that we wanted children, but with my health where it was and still living in a one bedroom apartment, we decided to hold off for a while. I have Crohn's disease, and an elevated triglyceride disorder.

We decided we would re-evaluate our decision in early 2008. At a Dr appointment in November 2007 though it seemed our decision was made early for us. My doctor told me it would be best to go off of birth control, as it could potentially be elevating my triglycerides even more. So in early January I went off and we decided to go with it. We tried informally for a few months (meaning no charting, temping, peeing on sticks to see if I am ovulating, and when). In March we got news that Trevor's dad had multiple blockages in his heart and needed bypass surgery, we decided life is too short not to start having children (My parents have both passed away, and many other losses in our families).

We told our family in April that we were trying, everyone is excited, always wondering if this call home is "the one". It never is. In August I start wondering if my health conditions/past surgeries could be causing a problem, since at this point we are timing everything perfectly. Trevor does a Semen Analysis and everything looks fine there. We are referred to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist...long title for fertility doctor) We don't get an appointment until late October. Late October comes, they take many vials of blood from both Trevor and I, I get an Ultrasound. My ovaries look cystic, but ALL of the bloodwork is fine, no explanation. I also have an HSG to make sure my tubes are clear, they are. We go on wondering why its not working. We start a cycle of monitoring in December, I am growing one nice follicle on my own, we decide that this cycle the RE will check my CM against Trevor's sperm to see if they "get along". I ovulate December 24th (convieniently) and guess what...they don't get along! theres our answer! We do IUI December 24th and 25th. Our family is all here for Christmas so it actually works well, so I can get some rest and relaxation over the holiday. Januray 4th 2009, best news of my life, theres another line on the HPT! I am Pregnant! one try....how can I get so lucky. We got to see the little bean on U/S a few times, always a Heartbeat! I had some beta issues...whole other post, and some spotting from before I even got the positive HPT. I was worried, being and L&D nurse, I knew what that meant, but was hoping for the best.

February 6th changed my life, After being on bedrest for nearly 2 weeks for a small bleed (everything looked fine after it on U/S) I was getting ready to go back to work, and I bled again. A lot. enough I felt the need to go to urgent care and get a scan. We had lost our baby at 8 1/2 weeks. February 8th after misoprostil I miscarried.

So now we are back to square one. I have recovered physically from the miscarriage, I think emotionally too (I get pretty used to sorrow, and tend to bounce back really fast, I think I have learned to expect it). We are thinking about how we go ahead from here, try right away again, go back to the RE after my next period for another round of cycle monitoring, take a break (Which is last on our list since I can get sick again anytime). I think were just going to let what happens happen until I get my period, and go back to see the RE come next period.

Its been tough, I though I had been through enough the past 5 years that this would not necessarily be easy but at least go smoothly. What I have learned from this is to take every procedure, every step one at a time, and let things happen as they will.

Okay so this was a serious post, to let you in on my life the past while, but I will try to inject some light heartedness, even humour into my ramblings.