Friday, September 11, 2009

The Baby That Wasn't

I am hiding behind this IVF. I am letting the happiness of having beautiful embryos ride over the sadness I feel in the bottom of my heart.

Its very hard to be happy and sad at the same time. All infertiles experience it from one degree to another.

For some its the idea of where they would be had they got pregnant right away. Would you have an infant, a kindergartner, a schoolage child even. I would have a one year old. For others its the due date or loss date of a first pregnancy that never pans out....that is where I am My Due date is coming up, and it happens to coincide with this IVF. I haven;t yet figured out in my heart if that is good or bad....I think it just IS. Even more, for others its the date their baby was born extremely prematurely, or even stillborn, it is devastating.

These things happen, most of the general public don't realize it, they go about their 9 months naive to all of the possibilities. I hope with our blogs we can open up the eyes of the general they can see this happens, and we can get further empathy.

My Due Date is(was to be) on Wednesday. I could potentially get a positive pregnancy test on Wednesday. I do not know how I will react. I miss that baby, that baby...had it stayed put, may have been in my arms, right now. But that was not meant to be. I can go through all of the what ifs, and what does it doesn't change anything.

The past is what has made me. If I had not lost that baby, we would not know I had MTHFR, we would not be treating it with blood thinners and high dose folic acid, and it could put these little embryos at risk. If I had still been pregnant....we would not be where we are today.

Of course I wish I would have just been pregnant and gone about my life, naive like the others(to a degree), but past events have shaped my life, and though its been hard, it has made me stronger, more aware of choices I may make in the future.

So coming up to this loss....I thank you baby, out there somewhere, looking over me, for making a safe place for your brothers and sisters to grow, for if it weren't for you, they would not be possible.


  1. Hello. Just visiting from LFCA.

    It is strange how things seem to converge when doing multiple cycles ART. November is the month for me. I lost my first pregnancy, after 3 rounds of IVF, at 8 weeks. My twins were born at the end of November, and my third child was conceived in November. My due date for the first would-be-child is July 7. I never thought about it, until someone I know was given that due date...and then it was like all the air was sucked out of me. Having the twins helped me to write over the pain that was November...but July 7 still sits alone.

    I wish you all the luck in the world for this cycle.

  2. I too thank our children for all they gave us... Without them, I know that so much would be different and we would be different people... We are better because of them.

    Sending loving thoughts as you remember...