Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Losing My Mind

I am having an extremely hard time dealing with my emotions after this most recent cycle failure.

in front of us sit 2 options that I see feasible..

1) Do IUI#6 with clomid or femara, pray that it works so we won;t need to drop the cash on IVF
2)Take a break in July and use August for the month long birth control pills before IVF in September

By the way, September was originally my Due that's depressing right there...talking about potential baby-making happening when I was supposed to be baby-having.

I cried myself to sleep Monday night after the news of our negative beta. Why this one hurt me so much more than all of the others, I am not sure. It could be because it brings us so much closer to the end, it could be that i also came home to read an acquaintance's joyous announcement of"we're pregnant and its a boy!". It could be the fact I thought this HAD to work, how does it not, when there are 3 follicles and I got pregnant so easily with only one on our first IUI.

I realize now how I took IUI#1's success for granted. I went into #2 thinking it was going to be so easy, we just had to figure out how to STAY pregnant now. #2 resulted in a chemical. Still thinking this is a breeze...and have yet to be pregnant again.

I have lost the upbeat, positive attitude I have had toward this whole process now.

I feel angry, bitter, sad, disappointed, broken.

Now what I need is advice and I go with IUI#6 or do you think its a waste of time and money at this point given my history. I honestly think I should just break in July and prep for IVF in August. Oh and I know bits and pieces about IVF...only from what I hear here and there from other blogs and a couple friends who have had it. So what does an IVF cycle look like, and what is with the different types of protocols?

Thanks for the support and well wishes!


  1. Oh sweetie... Hugs your way. I know what you mean about going into an IUI thinking it will work. Our 1st was successful, so I went into the second thinking it would work. And it did... And I miscarried our little chemical baby a few weeks later... So, thinking of how great our success rate was I assumed #3 would be no issue. BFN. It just about killed me. I just couldnt understand how that happened.

    I dont use Clomid or Femara; we use Gonal-F and have had awesome success. I'm not sure of the differences between it and Femara, but most of the people I know have had success with GF when others have failed. Might be something to discuss with your RE.

    I know you are devastated and I remember how much each and every single BFN and loss has hurt me inside. I mourn this BFN with you and am sending you hugs.

  2. Have you considered getting a second opinion? It's seems very encouraging that you have been able to get pregnant, but clearly that is only part of the battle. If there is another Dr. at your clinic or another practice near you, talking to another dr. might be very helpful to you. Also, if you haven't ever been to the
    SART website that is very helpful when looking for an IVF provider (

  3. So sorry for your heartaches. I would talk to an IVF specialist and see what they think before making a decision. Good luck.