I Have Been a Busy Body

Its been a busy few days here. I worked some long shifts on Friday ad Saturday, Had a Bridal Shower Saturday Evening, and the T and I spent all day Sunday installing new light fixtures to change out the standard builder ones. We spent last evening installing a ceiling fan in our bedroom, which was a P.A.I.N. He did most of the work, but I could tell it was bad. He was in the Attic for a while!

Oh so whats my point....today is 7dpo....how that happened without me noticing much, I really don't know.

This cycle is so different for me emotionally. It is like it's not even happening. I don't know if this is because of the vacation, the early ovulation...or just me changing and becoming more jaded by the process. I haven't had the urge to pee on a stick, though now that I am not so busy, I may start. And I really have no hope that this will work...but I'll be happy if it does of course!

The clinic staff was surprised that at my young age I was on to IUI#4...and to be honest I am too. Then one of the nurses said you must have been pregnant, I had been twice I told her. So I guess that makes it different. I guess age does play some role in fertility, even though getting pregnant is only one third of the battle. Staying pregnant, and having a healthy baby at the end are the other 2 thirds, and are not guarantees, whether you get pregnant at all.

I think I am jaded....definitely.

I wish I had the ability to be aive through this whole process. I never had that, and in some ways its good, I know to have no expectations...but I wish I had some. When I started trying, a year and a half ago now, I knew not al pregnancies ended in happy families with brand new, sweet smelling babies. I knew there were complications, losses, sadness. That's a part of my job. I like knowing, becuase this way I won't sit on something like someone who is completely unaware, I will know when something needs medical attention. But at the same time...I would love to be A)Pregnant and B)Happy about it (In the sense of not knowing and assuming stuff will go wrong).

I am even more jaded after infertility and losses. I am super aware that treatment doesn't equal pregnancy now. I was before, but I still HOPED it would...and it did...but now I am not so naive. I also assumed that if they could not find anything REALLY wrong...then how hard could it be for doctors to get me pregnant and have a baby...right? oh so totally wrong.

So heres to 6 more days of wait for the beta...Maybe I will test starting tomorrow....maybe not, I am not really sure...all I know is there will be a light at the end of the tunnel...and I will get there...I just don't know what the mode of transportation will be just yet.